It seems the important events of 2018, as we remember them, happened between May and June. You may not agree with the list below but everyone is entitled to their own memory!
(1) A wedding like no other (May)
The hitherto unknown Miss Meghan Markle stuck a needle in our collective balloon by taming everyone’s favourite naughty royal bachelor, Prince Harry.
The ever hyperactive press inundated us with both relevant and irrelevant reports of near scandals in the build-up to the wedding and dubbed the occasion “a wedding like no other”.
And between the bride’s father’s faux pas and maybe fake heart attack, the bizarro rants of the real-life Drizella Tremaine with her Princess Pushy diary, and the plain wedding gown (we wanted a sparkly diamond studded one for a change), it very nearly became a wedding to remember for the wrong reasons!
But the scandals never happened (although we do remember the BBC reporter flinging her micro-phone at her cameraman as she screamed, “but I wanted to marry Prince Harry”, before diving into the crowd of wedding spectators) (Hello fake news!).
In the end the Duchess formerly known as Miss Markle got to have her beautiful, non-feminist (they said she was going to make a strong feminist statement by walking herself down the aisle but that never happened) day.
(2) The presidential beef (May)
It was a showdown worthy of waxing a diss track such as the one the trio of Timaya, Phyno and Olamide dished out in dishonor of a certain walking Gucci billboard.
But these two octogenarians are not musicians (although the UN appointed mediator among them might become one if he felt like it).
It all started because President Obasanjo, who is the unofficial one man Guardian of the Nigerian Galaxy, kept indulging in his favouite pastime of sticking pins in President Buhari’s government like Junior Healy looking for trouble at a birthday party.
He’s been accusing President Buhari of essentially sitting with a dunce cap at the back of the class while the rest of the world progressed.
President Buhari became fed up of the constant needling (as any flesh and blood would), and jumped on OBJ’s back to ask the whereabouts of the 16 billion AMERICAN dollars (emphasis is his) the former President said he spent on non-existent power projects.
You will remember his name!
Not one to let even the slightest wind of talk pass by without grabbing it, President Obasanjo quickly responded with a sarcastic rejoinder which ended with him asking President Buhari to go and learn to read!
Take note citizens, especially sitting presidents, President Obasanjo is the baddest octogenarian in da house! We know he totally tattooed “Obasanjo was here!” and “you’ll remember my name” on the wall of the presidential office before leaving.
So next time you all come on a play-date with him, remember to bring your rubber helmets and plastic ponchos because the mud will fly!
(3) When Trump met Kim (June)
In June, President Trump who had unfollowed Kim Jong Un the Leader of North Korea on all social media channels, decided it was way more hip and cool to be frenemies than just plain old enemies.
The Donald, as he is fondly called, became the first United States president both sitting and former, in this dimension and all other dimensions, to meet with a North Korean leader.
All of Asia and most of the world brought out drums to celebrate the historic event, but President Trump’s countrymen were mostly unimpressed. They had probably expected Kim Jong Un to literally stab President Trump in the back at the dinner table, and then flee on the back of one of his running men. Thankfully that did not happen, literally.
(4) The planet’s no. 1 party also known as the World Cup (June)
According to FIFA, almost half of the world’s population numbering some 3.5 billion watched the 2018 World Cup. But that number, minus ten people, want a do-over.
This is because Russia 2018 did not bring plenty shenanigans. The group stages came and went as did the Round of 16 and yet the cuckoos did not come out to play.
That was not necessarily a good things as we like our World Cups served with a side of crazy. Political statements like the one this half naked gentleman made here and stranger than fiction stories such as this, don’t count.
The Mexicans did bring zest and the hot with their bleached blonde hairdos, but it was not enough to get them past the scheming and tantrum throwing (according to the Mexican coach) Neymar “Kardashian” Junior.
Why did you have to be so mean Uruguay?
The Uruguayan kill-joys sent Cristiano Ronaldo and his free-kick taking thighs home too early in the day, and Messi may or may not have been in Russia at all for all the games he won.
We waited in vain for the crazy. Waited for the red card from the bench, or a hand-of-god repeat. Where was a head-butt that would be heard around the world? Did no one feel like taking a bite out of his opponent’s shoulder?
A total affront on our sensibilities!
For shame! Not even a single headband like La Albicelestes used to serve up dazzled our eyes. (No, Luka Modric, the headband doesn’t count except it’s holding some serious flowing, long locks in place).
Frankly, it’s not a world cup until we see this:
Nice teams finish last
But the Japanese team did not get the memo. They and their fans dished out heaping helpings of nice before going home in the round of 16. That, and the poignant sight of the Colombian coach covering his eyes during his team’s penalty shoot against England and the utterly fascinating Gareth Southgate doppelganger rounded off an excruciatingly tame World Cup.
Love conquers everything except football
In the end, almost everyone wanted Croatia to win the final match for the sake of the lovable Croatian President and the persistent Luka Modric.
And despite predictions from several quarters, football’s biggest prize did not go back home, but stopped one country over in France.
So, when is anybody at FIFA going to get some sense and do the right thing?
If you ask us, the World Cup should be awarded based on who’s hottest. You can’t show up looking like this:
Or like this:
And go away empty handed!!!